April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. 

Nearly all parents want good things for their children, want to be role models, and want to give their children joyful lives, but despite these intentions, child abuse still occurs in many households.  Child abuse takes many forms.  It impacts the physical, emotional, mental, developmental, and social wellbeing and health of children.  Child abuse has lifelong impacts that can cause challenges in interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, mental health, physical health, educational performance, and job stability throughout the lifespan.  Many people are familiar with ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), and the more we learn about them, the more deeply we see child abuse imbeds itself in a person- right down to their DNA.   

Child abuse is often considered a taboo subject.  It is something whispered about.  Unfortunately, averting one’s eyes does not help reduce the incidences of child abuse.  It doesn’t alleviate the trauma. It allows it to continue and for deep shame to shroud abuse in silence. 

How can we as a society change that?  Interventions like foster care can remove a child from an unsafe situation, but ideally, we would be able to stop child abuse before it even happens.  How do we prevent child abuse?  How do average people make a difference? 

Let’s read on to find out. 

1.Reach Out 

Parents who have a loving, encouraging, helpful network around them are less likely to cause abuse or neglect to their children.  Parents who have emotional outlets, positive connections, and can turn to others have the resources to decrease stress, problem-solve, and parent as a better version of themselves. 

Remember that not every parent has a safe partner, a supportive family, or a network of friends.  Some are separated from loved ones by geographical distances.  Some have limited their contact with their family of origin due to trauma and abuse they may have experienced during childhood.  Others have been isolated by society through tactics of an abusive partner.  There are many parents who are very much alone in their parenting journey. 

If we want to help prevent child abuse, we must start with parents.  If there is a new parent or a stressed parent in your world, extend a hand.  Offer them to come to dinner, call them and check in to see how they are, or offer to babysit for them.  Offer to help them with household chores like laundry.  Offer empathy for the stress of parenting and allow the person to vent in a safe, non-judgmental environment.  Try to take something (no matter how small) off their plate.   

Remember, most people mask stress very well.  It is never a wasted action to reach out to a fellow human being, even if they seem to have it all collected!  Who wouldn’t appreciate a check-in?

2.Destigmatize Overwhelm 

We live in the age in Instagram, with perfectly clean kitchens remodeled in the latest style, beautiful homemade meals plated in a manner that would please a president, and shiny families in matching outfits sitting in piles of leaves and posing for pictures.  Is that true sometimes?  Maybe.  Is it accurate for everyone?  Certainly not.   

Be honest with yourself.  Messes are pretty normal.  Running late happens to the best of us.  Take-out food does not mean you are failing.  If you know a parent in your life who is struggling and you hear them beating themselves up about it, remind them of all the ways they are doing well.  Help them remember that life is messy, and as long as everyone feels safe and their needs are met, they are doing something right.  It might help to share a time you felt similarly or even snap a picture of your cluttered coffee table and messy hair to remind them that everyone struggles. 

Obviously, some levels of “mess” could be concerning.  You might go back to step 1 and offer to lend a hand- offer to take the kids so they can clean the house or even offer to come over and help them sift through things.  Put on some music, bring a pizza, and have a scrubbing day.  Just helping them take the first step toward calming the chaos may help their emotional regulation, which will allow them to respond more positively to their children’s needs. 

3.Parenting Groups and Supports 

You took Driver’s Ed before you got your license.  You attended grade school to learn about language, reading, writing, math, science, and civics.  You’ve followed written directions to put together a piece of furniture.  Yet, if you gave birth to a child, no one gave you a class or instructions.  They might offer advice, but essentially, the expectation is that you will just know what to do to keep your child alive, meet their needs, and help them be successful.  The expectation is that this will come naturally, you will feel a bloom of love that will well up in your heart and feel wonderful, and you will be able to manage all aspects of life.   

While this sense of joy, love, and energy may be true for many people, it is not true for everyone.  Parents may have had difficult childhoods themselves and did not have a sensitive, emotionally attuned person after whom they can model their parenting.  Fear of failure can stifle a parent’s ability to engage. 

There are dozens of parenting classes, child development education seminars, and support groups out there.  There are self-care courses and networks for parents.  There is the Parental Stress Line through Parents Helping Parents (1-800-632-8188).  Formal education and organized support groups can be invaluable resources.  It should not be seen as being deficient or ill-equipped to reach out to a service for help.  It should be seen as insightful, generous to yourself and your child, and honest.  There is nothing wrong with needing support. 

How can you help with this?  Offer to attend a class or a group with a parent in your life.  Share resources you’ve used that were helpful and push back against the stereotype that good parents naturally know what to do and do not require help.

4.Refer to Formal Supports 

Some parents are unable to meet their family’s basic needs.  There is deep shame in being unable to afford food, shelter, daycare, and basic needs.  Holidays can increase these feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.  Mental health disorders like depression and anxiety are exacerbated when external stressors are present. 

If a parent in your life is struggling to make ends meet or meet their mental health needs, offer to look up available services- or just look them up!  Let the parent know that you know there are supports available, and you happen to have a list.  If they feel too overwhelmed, offer to make the phone call with them or for them to access assistance, or offer to bring them to an appointment if you can.

5.If You See Something, Say Something 

Children are overwhelmingly voiceless in this world.  If a child is being abused, they do not have the power to stop the abuse.  The parent might not be able to hear that their behavior is unacceptable or unsafe.  Intervention by a child welfare agency might be the only avenue available to protect the child.  We do not want abuse to escalate, so waiting for it to get better or change means you are offering space for the child to experience further abuse. 

You can anonymously file a child abuse and neglect report (called a 51A in Massachusetts).  You can call, explain the concerns you have, share the good things about the family, and the child welfare agency will assess whether the concern rises to a level that necessitates an investigation. 

This is a very stressful thing to do.  It should never be done vindictively or punitively.  Child abuse and neglect reports should be made when you are concerned for the safety and wellbeing of a child.  They are made to preserve the safety of a child. 

In Massachusetts, you can call the Department of Children and Families in your area, or the Child Abuse Hotline to make a report.  The Hotline number is 1-800-792-5200.  This number is available after regular business hours, on weekends, and on holidays.  If a child is in immediate danger, you should call 911. 

Intervention is a means of preventing further abuse. It can save a child’s life. 

Synopsis 

Parenting is stressful.  For some parents, there are additional factors in their lives that add complications to the challenge of parenting.  By reaching out to parents in your life, you can add a layer of support to allow them to be the best parent possible.  Supported parents are supportive parents and are less likely to engage in abusive or neglectful behaviors.   

As stated, if prevention has not worked and child abuse or neglect has occurred, please intervene immediately by contacting the Department of Children and Families (DCF) or the child welfare agency in your state.  A child is counting on you.