Love may only be four little letters, but it is a big word.

For children and youth in foster care, they may have very complicated feelings about that word and the way they are able to show and receive love.

Successful foster parents are able to step back and adapt to the way the young person in their care can feel comfortable knowing that they are loved.

During this season of love, check out some of the ways foster parents respect a child’s boundaries while affirming that they are worthy, respected, and valued (or loved!).

Words of Affirmation

“I love you” is often too personal, too intimate, and may make a child feel like their foster parent is trying to take the place of their parent.  Instead of “I love you,” many foster parents will say what they love about a child.  As they say goodnight, they might say “I love how you really spoke your mind today.  I love that you are brave enough to tell me what you need.”  They might say “I love how hard you work on your math homework,” “I love how stylish you are and how creative you are with new makeup trends.  You’re really artistic!”, or “I love how much you love your Mom.”

Write It Out

Spoken words can feel too personal.  Kids in care might not know how to react.  Some kids have a different processing time, so if you say something to them, they know you are expecting some kind of reaction, and they may need a minute.

Writing a nice note can be a way to give a child space with their feelings and reaction but gives the same message.  They can also literally keep it with them, physical proof that they matter to someone.

Presence

Show up.  Many kids in care have had people in their lives (sadly, this could include past foster parents) who did not attend their school/sports/club events.  There was no one there to watch them sing in the chorus concert, no one who cheered the base they stole at the big game, no one who was there for eighth grade graduation.  Don’t let that be you.

Attend events, even little ones.  Go to the school open house, attend the game, smile proudly during the fourth-grade recorder recital.  For some kids, they will feel uncomfortable if you make a big fuss, so just being there and offering gentle affirmations will be enough.  Others will light up to see you cheering at the game, wearing a “Team Tatiana” t-shirt you made yourself at her soccer game, and will want all the high fives out there after the school play.  Assess what reaction is right for your kiddo but be sure you are there.

Show You Know

It is nice to get a birthday cake, but what if it is chocolate and you like vanilla?  Ask your young person what they like, what they don’t like, and then put that info to work.  Make their favorite meal on Valentine’s, put their favorite sweet treat in their school lunch, or get them their favorite color socks.  Little things that demonstrate you know them (ordering pizza with extra cheese if they love cheese, making sure they have two pillows on their bed if they tell you they like two, getting the next book in a series they are reading) proves that you see them as a unique individual and that their wants and preferences are respected.

Together Time

Add some special time to the calendar, even if they are the only child in your home and you are a single parent.  Mark Wednesday from 5-7PM “Walter Wednesday” and take him to the arcade and ask him to teach you how to play his favorite game.  Go home and watch his favorite show, make his favorite dinner.  Time together can be really easy (reading a story together).  It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it shows a child you are making them a priority.

Why Different Demonstrations Matter

All of us have preferred ways for people to show their affection, and children are no different.  For kids in care, their concept of love has often been shifted due to difficult events, or they may struggle to accept love out of loyalty to the family from whom they are separated.

Having different manners in which to show your love means you are respecting a child’s boundaries and letting them know they matter.

If you are a person who can adapt to a child’s needs and knows that love is a big word, please consider becoming a licensed foster parent.